I am having the sort of day where I am crying for no apparant reason and my head hurts and nothing fits properly. My thoughts are jumbled and illogical and nothing is RIGHT.
In other words I just had a baby 19 days ago and my body is in full on rearrangement mode in the attempt to get everything back the way it was.
It sucketh mucheth.
I am dealing with the following:
- Instead of not being able to see my feet because of my ever growing tummy I am now unable to see them because of my mammaries. Seriously. For all you menz out there who possibly read this, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. But oh HALP. I am a human cow.
- I am drowning in boys. Hawke makes boy number four. Two of them I didn't personally bring into this world but nonetheless I feel the weight and responsibility of raising them keenly. Right now, however, the three big boys, Caleb, my Phoenix and Joshua are all on my last nerve. I'm not proud of that. It just is what it is. Zack thinks it's very funny, for instance, to point to Hawke and say,
"Look. We have ANOTHER one."
- Where did this appetite come from? WHAT THE HECK. I am ravenous all the time. The women who are reading this are saying,
"You're breastfeeding, lady, go figure."
I know this. But Jeezy Chreezy. Most women gain their weight DURING pregnancy and then lose it after. ME? I'm going at it backwards.
- I haven't played the piano properly at all lately.
- I feel bad because I am not pleased as punch at my new role of essentially being a milk truck for Hawke. Someone tell me this is normal? My life revolves around his nursing. Logically I know that this will eventually have to end, I can imagine say...at least 5 years from now and think, "Okay, he won't be nursing THEN. At some point between now and then things will normalize. I'll get a little bit of me back." It's not that I don't like nursing. I find it amazing that my body can provide food for my sweet boy but GOOD LORD. I don't feel like I'm making sense anymore.
- I don't feel like I'm making sense anymore.
- At all.
- I have cabin fever out the wazoo.
- What is a wazoo?
- I miss my husband. He's here, physically. But, what with my sleep deprivation and taking care of Hawke and mood swings and weirdness, and with him working and helping around the house and taking care of the boys, we haven't had a proper conversation in a long time. This makes me very, very sad. Zack is my best friend. In the whole world. I know that it will all feel normal again, it just makes me ache that it's not right now. I'm pretty sure I just butchered the usage of commas in this sentence.
This post isn't very interesting. Just me trying to process. Thanks for bearing with me.
I look forward to being myself again. I'm going to try and not be so hard on myself when I get there.