May's Word :: Redemption

As mentioned in this post May's word was "Redemption".

I ended up writing a...poem of sorts. Or something. It started off on bits of post it notes, moved to a note pad, from there to a word processing document and finally onto watercolour paper that I then sewed into my journal. I don't have much to say about it as it kinda speaks for itself other than it was a very healing bit of creativity for me.

I'll post the images that I scanned and also type out the words as well.






Redemption or A Cautionary Timeline Gospel Tale

Would that I were able
I would open my chest
And lay bare my heart
To try and show the crests
And ridges of the scars
That I carry around with honour.

One would think,
(After the damage it has sustained)
It must be a mechanical thing,
All whirrings and tickings,
Cogs and wheels moving
In a steady march of unceasing rhythm.
But, I assure you,
It feels even more deeply than
It ever has.
Loves more deeply than
It ever did.
While not yet residing in utter abandon,
(No, that won't come until this body falls away)
This heart of mine wraps its arms around
This life
And weeps with wonder at
The Restoration at
The Put-Back-Togetherness at
The Redemption
So lavishly shown.

Here is a timeline:

You see at four.
At eight.
At ten.
My heart was badly bruised
By the hands
By the fingers
By the tongues
By the lips of men.
At thirteen
My heart was shattered
By the death of my mother.
By the death of my father.
(Oh, he was physically present but long dead gone.)
At fifteen my heart was shot through
By the words of a man of God.
At eighteen I had not a heart left.
Twenty and a half and I married a manboy
But didn't have a heart to give him.
Twenty-two and a month I birthed a boy
And I shared some of his so big heart.
But I was a mother without a mother.
My heart arrested.
I did not know how to love.
I did not know what it meant.
Twenty-seven and I drowned in the sea
Of the marriage I never should have
Entered into in the first place.

(For all the young girls out there,
You must be sure you know who you are first.
I am a cautionary tale.
You do not want the kind of pain
That arises from ignorance
About yourself.
About what marriage really is.)

So I forgive the girl in me
Who made up stories to ease the pain.
And I accept the love extended to me
By the one who died to take it all away.
Even when I gave up on him
To try and save myself,
He still took the remnants of my heart,
All dusty on a shelf,
Poured a heavenly gold
To aggrandize the cracks
And kissed all of my scars
Never once taken aback
By my excuses,
My shame,
My guilt,
My lies.
My lies.
My lies.
My lies.

Here is a list:

A redeemed clean heart.
A renewed right spirit within me.
(Albeit ever and always in process.)
A husband who thrills me.
(He is radiant and ruddy, outstanding
Among ten thousand, even millions.)
A quiver full of boys,
Four arrows I delight in!
My family who loves me.
True friends who have stuck by me.
New friends who truly see me.

I look around
At the life that I live
At the LIFE in my life
And here come the tears,
Oh here comes the rain again,
And I think to myself,
"I am walking redemption.
I am living PROOF of redemption."
For I didn't receive everything I deserved,
But instead everything I didn't.

Thanks for reading. I'll let you know ASAP what this month's word will be!

Off to make dinner. ;-)