April's Word :: Surrender

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am a couple of days late in getting this up on the blog.

I apologise.

I thought I would have time while I was in Seattle with my husband, Zack, while he was teaching in the creativeLIVE studio. I never really had a chance to sit down and properly write anything out. Hawke came with us on this trip and while the Lord in heaven above knows that I love that baby boy with every fiber of my being there were moments when every fiber of my being wanted to duct tape him to a chair just to keep him stationary. For. Just. A. Second. Dear. LORD. Will. He. EVER. Stop. EVAR?

Zack and I agree that Hawke is, by far, the most stubborn, opinionated, free spirited, fearless child that we have. He is more than a handful. He is totally ours. ;-)

I digress.

I wrestled with Surrender. I didn't like what it brought up in me.

With Betsy it brought up something very different. A gorgeous painting. I love it so so much. Do me a favour and check it out and come back over here when you're done.


My wrestling with surrender made me face some hard stuff. I realised that I needed to let go of the desire for my old naysayers and even people I once called friends, to...what? Give their approval? Say that they understood? I dunno exactly how to put it. But it bothered me that I was holding on to this old hurt and wanting to be vindicated somehow.

*raises eyebrow*

I didn't want to surrender that. My surrendering meant forgiveness. I think you know what I mean.

And so out came the following words:

Waved a white flag in a small coffee shop
To help end an unwanted war.
The train wreck that came when I made up my mind
Placed sentries on guard at the door.
Too much weight placed on all of the hurt.

Sift through the words of the "I said" "They said",
Carry them into the night.
Cover them up with the bravery lines
That I carefully draw in my mind.
Too much hope placed on too many minds. (Mines?)

I sat down at the piano and began noodling around. I wasn't ever happy with the verse melody but I recorded it just the same. While I was working on the song out came these words,

"Heaven please help me, oh help me let go.
Heaven I'm asking, help me, let go."

And then, while I was actually recording the song, out came,

"I open my hands, I open my hands."

That wasn't planned. But there you go.

This was recorded at 4 A.M. and I never went back and changed anything. It was written and recorded all in one night (or day, as it were...).

And now I share it with you.

Click on the title below to listen...

Heaven Help Me

Just a snapshot, my version of a snapshot anyway, of a moment in time. A time I'm grateful for.

Now, if you haven't already, go check out Betsy's take on surrender.
It was her turn to choose the word for May and she chose the word "Redemption". I love this word. Love it. I'm looking forward to the process of working on this one.

Thanks for sticking it out with me as I struggle with trying to find the balance of mommyhood and wife...liness and being an artist. ;-) I shall persevere, however. I shall not give up. Too much is at stake. I believe it was Robert Louis Stevenson who said,

"Saints are sinners who kept on going."

Well keep on going I shall.